Are hero

Editor's note: Matt's in the thick of a quest to step off his TV high horse and join the masses sitting through an entire season of American Idol (a show last month's Stuff magazine promised would spell the end of modern civilization). Early conclusion: His insightful and witty banter is decidedly more entertaining.

Not that I wasn't warned last week, but I was still disappointed to be reminded the show was back in the South for the last of it's big audition shows. And that point was evident very early when one of the first contestants neglected to listen to the advice I dropped in my last blog: Don't bring your parents, don't bring a sign, and DEFINITELY DON'T BRING YOUR PARENTS HOLDING A SIGN.

I'm not kidding, and I can't find a photo of it anywhere online, but in case you missed it, as Seacrest was grilling three women about their sibling/daughter/whatever's chances they held up a sign that screamed in hard to read letters (and I'm just guessing at her name) WHITNEY ARE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL. Seriously.

Now, we can debate whether they meant "Our next American Idol" or "Is the next American Idol," but does it really matter...? Magic markers and oaktag don't come with spellcheck, I know, but a bit of proofing never hurt anyone. It made me laugh even harder when the judges made fun of her. She deserved it anyway.

So 11,000 people showed up for this audition. 11,000 people with nothing else to do with their time than hope to win a contest that's probably harder to win than the Mega Millions. That says something about this country when that many people turn out for a singing contest. I can't even blame that on the South. I dove right into a magazine about 2 minutes into the show.

To shed more bad light on the country, yet another bunch thought it would be nice to resort to bias and tell Simon to go back to Britain. "Go judge people over there" I believe was the quote (from the same family who couldn't string together a five-word sentence for a banner). It's not the first time, but it just makes these people look wonderful that at the first sign of their own failure they start attacking the guy with the accent.

I sort of dozed off after that, especially when they brought back the montage of contestants running into the locked door. I was wrapped up in an interesting article on Oasis until Paula ran into the locked door herself. In honor of that, I'd like to introduce my new addition to the Idol blogs: The How Drunk Did Paula Look Meter. We've got:

Just fine (last night).
Pleasantly buzzed.
Please, just one more margarita.
I hope I don't go home with Simon.

I'll accept votes after each episode, but they're getting better at editing out her rambling and stumbling, so watch carefully.

As the first leg of any quest comes to a close, you get that nice rest period (like when Frodo reaches the castle that belongs to Agent Smith from The Matrix). But, there's always one last obstacle (like nine big shrouded skeleton guys on big black horses chasing you). But hopefully I'll find my Liv Tyler to get me through tonight's audition wrap-up clip show so I can rest comfortably before we set off to Hollywood next week.